You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
