I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you traded sex for a burrito?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
