They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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