I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
