I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
