Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
