and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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