so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
