Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Randomize
