You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
