I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
