Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
