I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
