Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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