I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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