Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
