Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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