just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have fence marks all over my body
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
