Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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