at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
