I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
