i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
