just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
