If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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