How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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