I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
