i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
