why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
