You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
