Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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