So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
