I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
