My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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