why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
