phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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