Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I love having hate sex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
