Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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