We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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