she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
