omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
