It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
