He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
