I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
