Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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