Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize