where am i from again
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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