The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
