My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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