That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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