hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
