i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
