Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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