there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
