I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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