Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
