I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i've created a new STD.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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