i wish there were pregnant emoticons
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
