I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
