How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
