It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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