I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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