Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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