He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
