did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
