Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize