Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
