Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
