i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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